Randomness, Welbutrin, Argo, government, religion

It has been quite a while since I have taken Welbutrin.  I have to say, honestly, I feel more positive than I have in YEARS!  Kyle and I went to his friend's house to drink a little and hang out.  Normally I would have been irritated and angry at Kyle for "drinking too much" and "acting dumb" but last night I was completely fine.  He even expressed to me that he was so appreciative that I was "fun" last night.  Then today we had a great day together.  I have not been happy with him for a while.  It is totally not his fault.  I realize that now.  Yes, there may be a few annoying tendencies here and there, but I feel more in love than before.  I felt like I was drifting away from my family.  Now, I feel more connected and excited about my life, about my day.

For anyone on antidepressants, please evaluate your mind.  I thought I was just getting worse....me, personally.  Now that I am off of Welbutrin, I feel almost normal again!  I feel in control.  I feel happy.  It is not all sunshine and rainbows.  I have depressed moments.  But, my moments do not last nearly as long as they used to.

My sleeping is my only issue right now.  I have not been tired at night and sometimes do not fall asleep until midnight.  I know it will even out, or I might take allergy medicine until it does even out.  But, compared to my depression, a few sleep problems is a welcomed change.

I achieved a goal last week.  It was not very large, but it was achieved.  I am terrible about goals.  With a better outlook on things, I will concentrate on goals.  I need to work on focusing.

I watched Argo today and was extremely bothered by it.  It got me on a whole "why can't people get along and do the right thing" kick.  I know that not all of Argo was completely true, but still it was sad.  To think that the government seems to have not learned their lesson (recent embassy attack) to arm them to the fullest.  I am so grateful to live in America where I can have an opinion, freely feel it and express it (for now).  My one prayer is that people would brighten up.  How can people of this world be so cruel?  Don't they understand we are all connected?  Why is there so much hate and anger?  I know if someone hurt my family, I would want to kill them.  But if someone has a difference of opinion or religion, I do not feel the need to kill them!  It is insane to me! How can people feel this is right?  I will keep praying this prayer, and being positive to people.  Being positive to people is not always easy, but sometimes right is not easy.  I invite people to have compassion, to put yourself in another's place.  I know it is hard.  But we have to.  We have to be positive and believe that good shall prevail.
 
   

Day something (3?) without Welbutrin

Today I wake up feeling great.  I am tired, but happy.  I don't know how long it takes for this medication to get out of my system, but I believe I feel better already.  I have gained 40 lbs since I have started taking antidepressants.  Right now, I am so hungry, but I know it is from weight training that I have been doing.  I am feeling a little less irritated.  I have not had any major headaches or withdrawals.  Actually, I don't feel that I have much to write about!  I am glad for that, usually when I write it is out of pain or irritation.  I am so glad to be getting rid of these toxins in me!

Day 1: No Welbutrin

Today is my first day without Welbutrin.  I took my last pill night before last night.  I hope I will start to feel better soon.  By feel better I mean be less angry.  I do not like being angry, waking up ready to fight with the word.  I dislike getting annoyed by every little thing.  I have NEVER been "happy go lucky" but I have been generally happy.  Now I am almost always miserable.  I may keep my mouth shut about it, but deep down I want to go crawl in a hole and sleep for at least a week.  I feel overwhelmed every day.  I feel overwhelmed about everything.  I have lost focus with school.  I have lost focus with life in general.  I do not know how to make myself happy anymore.  I do not feel like I like anything in life.
I am not just ranting about feeling blue.  I seriously have an everyday decrease of happiness.  I feel helpless.  I know deep down that I am not helpless, that a lot of it is in my own mind, BUT I feel incapable of doing anything about it.  It is like being mentally paralyzed.  I know what I need to do, I just cannot force my mind to move.
Anyways, I am praying that in the next few days I will no longer feel miserable.  I am not exaggerating about feeling miserable.  There is no reason for me to be miserable, which frustrates me even more.  I am tired of feeling unable to help myself.  I am tired of gaining weight.  I am tired of being tired, literally tired all the time.  Like I said, right now I would love nothing more than to go in a hole and sleep for at least a week.  Hopefully, the person I truly am is still inside this shell.

Saying Fuck You

I have been self employed for 3 years now.  I have loved it.  The only very big thing that sucks, is constantly being at home.  I am home all day almost every day.  I am so extremely tired of it.  I have gotten so socially awkward that I have to take a pill to go to Wal*mart usually because the anxiety is so bad.  Being around people makes me anxious.  It is no wonder.  Once you work for yourself, by yourself, you realize how many assholes you have worked with and for.  You realize all of the daily stressful bullshit you had to deal with.  Not to mention, you spend a little more time on the internet than you may have before and discover there are soooo many more sick, nasty, twisted, idiotic people and situations out there...many that you had never even conceived a thought close to it.  

My rant today has been triggered by my being reminded of why I am my own boss in the first place.  I have almost always hated where I worked.  From grocery, to retail, to several different daycare centers, it was all some form of hell to me.  Not only do you have to deal with nasty customers with shitty attitudes, but you have to deal with bosses choosing to treat a known crackhead better than you, lying to you, making you feel guilt and terror at the thought of having to call in sick because they are too mentally lazy to run a business in a correct way.  This post may seem very emotional, and that is because it is.  I am so tired of seeing people mess up continuously and still get the better end of the stick.  I know that God has a reason for everything.  I am not blaming God here.  I am blaming the stupid ass people that let their stupidity get in the way of their judgement.  I am blaming the people that would rather pretend something isn't happening than to fix it.

I am having a "mad at the world" day.  I am not really mad at the world, just a lot of it.  It seems people are getting worse and worse.  My faith in humanity disappears by the second.  Is it OK to give a crackhead more hours at work than almost anyone else? Someone that literally comes to work high on speed.  I finally said fuck it and quit.  One thing that being my own boss has taught me is that I don't NEED people.  I can be like "fuck you, I will do it on my own and cut YOU out".  So, I implore you to think about all the people you can say "fuck you" to today.  Maybe not out loud, but on the  inside.  It is amazing how freeing it is to realize you don't have to deal with dumb ass people if you do not want to.  I may not have many friends, but the ones I have are not fake, they are not dumb asses, they are not crackheads.  Someone needs to step up and tell dumb people how dumb they are being.  If I don't talk to you anymore, it is probably because I think you are a dumb ass :)

Withdrawls

 This is the fun I now get to deal with.  I have felt lately that I am slowly getting worse.  I really believe part of this is due to pills.  I have decided to stop this medication.  Why? The more I read about antidepressants, the more worried I am for my health.  Now, I have been extremely tired, very sour stomach, body aches, bad heartburn, headaches, irritability.  This is all because I have chosen to give up this nasty drug.

Lately I have been on a healthy living kick.  I have switched to organic beauty products, I use only water and a very scientific cloth to clean instead of chemicals.  It is incredible once you begin to read and realize all of the junk that is in all of your products around your home.  I am actually disgusted most of all with Johnson and Johnson, along with other children's product companies.  They put nasty things like formaldehyde in their products.  Plus, a chemical that numbs children's tear ducts!  This is just one very tiny example of what companies do....and they seem uncaring.  It IS possible to make products that are organic!  We don't need all of these chemicals!  Please, just consider researching a few small things. It may change your life.

 Discontinuing Wellbutrin

• Discontinuing Wellbutrin requires the advice of a doctor and should never be stopped abruptly. A gradual decrease is necessary to avoid withdrawal symptoms. Over 50 withdrawal symptoms associated with Wellbutrin have been reported. They range in severity from mild annoyances to life threatening conditions and generally require monitoring by a medical professional.
  

Physical

• Physical symptoms include lack of coordination, difficulties maintaining balance, migraines or increased incidence of headaches, tingling or electric shock like sensations, and general lethargy and fatigue. These may signal a more serious condition that requires medical intervention.
  

Psychological

• Wellbutrin withdrawal may trigger a host of psychological symptoms that are out of character for the user. Aggressive behavior that is not characteristic for the patient, hostility, irritability, paranoia may occur. Troubling thoughts, anxiety and worsening depression that cannot be explained by circumstances should be reported to the doctor. Highly emotional states, depersonalization, over reaction to normal situations, and severe internal restlessness occur for some patients. Nervousness and crying spells may surface with not apparent reason. Notify your doctor immediately if you experience psychological disturbances that are not characteristic for you or have suicidal thoughts.
  

Gastrointestinal

• Withdrawal typically triggers some gastrointestinal symptoms such as nausea, flatulence, diarrhea, indigestion and stomach cramps. Symptoms are generally mild and last for a few days. If symptoms are severe or last for a prolonged period, medical intervention may be required.
  

Other Symptoms

• Other withdrawal symptoms associated with Wellbutrin withdrawal include blurred vision and ringing in the ears. Impaired concentration, dizziness, hallucinations, repetitive thoughts, sleep and sensory disturbances, and tremors may result causing considerable discomfort. Check with your doctor if you experience these or any other symptoms after stopping Wellbutrin.
  

Antidepressants are depressing

I have been reading (thanks to a friend) about studies that show antidepressants do not work as well as people think they do.  In fact, they may cause people to do things they would never normally do, as in, kill people.  It makes sense to me.  Since I have been on meds, there have been many ups and downs.  At first, it was amazing.  I felt happy.  Slowly, I have told my doctor that they seemed to not be working.  She recommended uping the dose.  Then, when that no longer worked, she added another pill.  So, I was taking three of one medication and one of another medication, daily.  Plus, I was given a fast acting medication meant to be short term.  I have been on them for a long time.  I used to take two almost everyday.  Now I take two a day for about a week when it is near my period.
So what benefit have I gotten from all of this medication?  A false belief that they are working.  I have tried to cut back on them several times only to be told by my husband that I needed to get back on them, full strength.  He and I have to realize that it is going to take time to get off of the pills.  I have relied on them, thinking they were making me better.  But they only mask the hurt that is causing my negative feelings.  To be truly liberated from my negativity, I have to be liberated from my medication.
Some of my side effects have been anger, headaches, severe episodes of depression.  I remember back to before I was taking the medication.  I was generally happy.  After my daughter was born and I started working at home, I began to feel isolated, trapped.  This in turn made me depressed.  I thought that medication was the answer.  I went to a therapist that diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I do agree with that analysis, but I think my symptoms have gotten far worse than they ever were.  I also now believe that the only way to truly be better is to get off the meds and replace them with yoga, meditation, and things that used to make me happy.  It is horrible to never feel truly happy.  I think the medicine has been blocking my real happiness. 
So, come spring, I am going off of the medication.  Until then, I am studying my "disorder" and learning how to take care of this once and for all.  I am researching how to heal myself, my soul, my thoughts.  Then I will be ready to truly be normal.

Realizations

Ever heard "the grass is greener where you water it"? I have.  But have you ever really taken that into consideration?  I rarely have.  I realized that this morning.  A big issue with me is my dying grass.  I put forth so much effort into finding new lush, bright green grass that I fail at keeping any of it alive.  How can you be happy when you are constantly searching? And searching for what? I have been doing nothing but searching lately.  I am trying to disconnect from my life by searching for things I think will finally make me happy.  The truth is, I have all the tools, or lush green grass, right in my own backyard.  I have been so foolish thinking I can find happiness somewhere out there.  I have happiness right here.  I have wasted so much effort going around watering all kinds of grass.  If I would have focused all that effort on the grass I already have, it would be the most beautiful grass ever.
Ok, enough about grass.  But, I realize that my true happiness will come when I finally realize that I have everything I need.  I have a lot more than some or most people.  I no longer need to search for happiness, I just need to accept it.  Why do I feel the need for constant misery?  Is this because growing up, I rarely felt any true happiness? I mostly felt fear, abandonment, anxiety.  I needed to feel these things to feel normal to myself.  But, I have to let go of this.  I need to find a new normal.  And luckily, everything I need to find that, is right here.