Randomness, Welbutrin, Argo, government, religion

It has been quite a while since I have taken Welbutrin.  I have to say, honestly, I feel more positive than I have in YEARS!  Kyle and I went to his friend's house to drink a little and hang out.  Normally I would have been irritated and angry at Kyle for "drinking too much" and "acting dumb" but last night I was completely fine.  He even expressed to me that he was so appreciative that I was "fun" last night.  Then today we had a great day together.  I have not been happy with him for a while.  It is totally not his fault.  I realize that now.  Yes, there may be a few annoying tendencies here and there, but I feel more in love than before.  I felt like I was drifting away from my family.  Now, I feel more connected and excited about my life, about my day.

For anyone on antidepressants, please evaluate your mind.  I thought I was just getting worse....me, personally.  Now that I am off of Welbutrin, I feel almost normal again!  I feel in control.  I feel happy.  It is not all sunshine and rainbows.  I have depressed moments.  But, my moments do not last nearly as long as they used to.

My sleeping is my only issue right now.  I have not been tired at night and sometimes do not fall asleep until midnight.  I know it will even out, or I might take allergy medicine until it does even out.  But, compared to my depression, a few sleep problems is a welcomed change.

I achieved a goal last week.  It was not very large, but it was achieved.  I am terrible about goals.  With a better outlook on things, I will concentrate on goals.  I need to work on focusing.

I watched Argo today and was extremely bothered by it.  It got me on a whole "why can't people get along and do the right thing" kick.  I know that not all of Argo was completely true, but still it was sad.  To think that the government seems to have not learned their lesson (recent embassy attack) to arm them to the fullest.  I am so grateful to live in America where I can have an opinion, freely feel it and express it (for now).  My one prayer is that people would brighten up.  How can people of this world be so cruel?  Don't they understand we are all connected?  Why is there so much hate and anger?  I know if someone hurt my family, I would want to kill them.  But if someone has a difference of opinion or religion, I do not feel the need to kill them!  It is insane to me! How can people feel this is right?  I will keep praying this prayer, and being positive to people.  Being positive to people is not always easy, but sometimes right is not easy.  I invite people to have compassion, to put yourself in another's place.  I know it is hard.  But we have to.  We have to be positive and believe that good shall prevail.
 
   

Day something (3?) without Welbutrin

Today I wake up feeling great.  I am tired, but happy.  I don't know how long it takes for this medication to get out of my system, but I believe I feel better already.  I have gained 40 lbs since I have started taking antidepressants.  Right now, I am so hungry, but I know it is from weight training that I have been doing.  I am feeling a little less irritated.  I have not had any major headaches or withdrawals.  Actually, I don't feel that I have much to write about!  I am glad for that, usually when I write it is out of pain or irritation.  I am so glad to be getting rid of these toxins in me!

Day 1: No Welbutrin

Today is my first day without Welbutrin.  I took my last pill night before last night.  I hope I will start to feel better soon.  By feel better I mean be less angry.  I do not like being angry, waking up ready to fight with the word.  I dislike getting annoyed by every little thing.  I have NEVER been "happy go lucky" but I have been generally happy.  Now I am almost always miserable.  I may keep my mouth shut about it, but deep down I want to go crawl in a hole and sleep for at least a week.  I feel overwhelmed every day.  I feel overwhelmed about everything.  I have lost focus with school.  I have lost focus with life in general.  I do not know how to make myself happy anymore.  I do not feel like I like anything in life.
I am not just ranting about feeling blue.  I seriously have an everyday decrease of happiness.  I feel helpless.  I know deep down that I am not helpless, that a lot of it is in my own mind, BUT I feel incapable of doing anything about it.  It is like being mentally paralyzed.  I know what I need to do, I just cannot force my mind to move.
Anyways, I am praying that in the next few days I will no longer feel miserable.  I am not exaggerating about feeling miserable.  There is no reason for me to be miserable, which frustrates me even more.  I am tired of feeling unable to help myself.  I am tired of gaining weight.  I am tired of being tired, literally tired all the time.  Like I said, right now I would love nothing more than to go in a hole and sleep for at least a week.  Hopefully, the person I truly am is still inside this shell.