Ever heard "the grass is greener where you water it"? I have. But have you ever really taken that into consideration? I rarely have. I realized that this morning. A big issue with me is my dying grass. I put forth so much effort into finding new lush, bright green grass that I fail at keeping any of it alive. How can you be happy when you are constantly searching? And searching for what? I have been doing nothing but searching lately. I am trying to disconnect from my life by searching for things I think will finally make me happy. The truth is, I have all the tools, or lush green grass, right in my own backyard. I have been so foolish thinking I can find happiness somewhere out there. I have happiness right here. I have wasted so much effort going around watering all kinds of grass. If I would have focused all that effort on the grass I already have, it would be the most beautiful grass ever.
Ok, enough about grass. But, I realize that my true happiness will come when I finally realize that I have everything I need. I have a lot more than some or most people. I no longer need to search for happiness, I just need to accept it. Why do I feel the need for constant misery? Is this because growing up, I rarely felt any true happiness? I mostly felt fear, abandonment, anxiety. I needed to feel these things to feel normal to myself. But, I have to let go of this. I need to find a new normal. And luckily, everything I need to find that, is right here.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tell me what you REALLY think
So, I have a major problem with distorting the thoughts or intentions of other people. I am severely sensitive to everything that people say. I feel that everything is a personal attack against me. This kind of thinking has put me in a box where I am completely alone, thinking everyone (almost) hates me or at least dislikes me. I have even been trying to talk myself into believing that the way I perceive things may be completely wrong, and usually is. But, I still read something and feel a pang of sadness or anger...like whatever is being said or written is only meant to disrupt my life. It seems like a selfish way of thinking....like anyone has time to go around solely thinking of ways to put me down. But it feels uncontrollable. I do know the opposite is true, but it is like fighting a very strong current, usually, the water wins.
I think that this feeling of inadequacy comes from being abandoned and mistreated a lot of my life. It has made me feel extremely inferior. I have tried to talk myself out of the past, but it is like letting go of a body part...a part that is not necessary but has just been there so long you don't know what to do without it. You don't know how to get rid of it.
Someone once told me that my mind has a "filter". No matter what I am looking at/thinking about, it is perceived by me as negative, and a personal attack. This has proven to be a very difficult way to live. My assignment to try and fix this is to think about my thinking, write it down when I have an emotional thought,figure out why I perceive it that way and what it probably really means. I tried the writing exercise for a few days. It turns out I had to write a lot! But, the point is to think about what I am thinking instead of just automatically thinking what is programmed in to my filter.
I have a long way to go. I pray that I will finally be one of the family to break free from the craziness.
I think that this feeling of inadequacy comes from being abandoned and mistreated a lot of my life. It has made me feel extremely inferior. I have tried to talk myself out of the past, but it is like letting go of a body part...a part that is not necessary but has just been there so long you don't know what to do without it. You don't know how to get rid of it.
Someone once told me that my mind has a "filter". No matter what I am looking at/thinking about, it is perceived by me as negative, and a personal attack. This has proven to be a very difficult way to live. My assignment to try and fix this is to think about my thinking, write it down when I have an emotional thought,figure out why I perceive it that way and what it probably really means. I tried the writing exercise for a few days. It turns out I had to write a lot! But, the point is to think about what I am thinking instead of just automatically thinking what is programmed in to my filter.
I have a long way to go. I pray that I will finally be one of the family to break free from the craziness.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
I have been wondering, most of my life, what the hell is wrong with me. Despite my amazingly horrible childhood, I believed I was SO different from everyone on this planet. Even when I was young, I didn't feel very much joy. We were raised in a highly negative, abusive, depressing environment. My family is also riddled with social disorders. None of these have been diagnosed (except for mine) but I know they are there.
This blog is not a plea for pity. This is simply what is on my mind and why it may be on my mind. I have been studying Borderline Personality Disorder (my currently diagnosis from a professional). I find it fascinating to finally identify with something. I am a text book case, minus the suicidal thoughts and majorly aggressive behavior. I was a cutter, I have had a few addictions, I have depression (mild to moderate) nearly all the time without medication, sometimes I have trouble sleeping, sometimes I over eat for weeks at a time, I am very pessimistic, sometimes I have difficulty controlling my emotions, feeling of never ending disappointment (in myself mostly), I perceive negative emotions from people when none are present, a lot of guilt, loss of interest, poor concentration, poor memory, anxiety in social settings...these are some of the symptoms that I have. I was diagnosed with Dysthymic Depression when I was younger. This basically means long lasting low to moderate depression. But, it didn't seem to encompass all of the issues I was having. Now, I think I finally have an explanation.
To me, this is not a disease. Disease is defined as something that occurs in a previously healthy person. I think I have always been this way, and some may be genetic. But sadly, I do not believe I was ever a "previously healthy person".
It is very difficult for me to have relationships. Most of my friends are no longer my friends (can't really blame them), a few of my family members have written me off (not too sad about that, really) because they also suffer from living in some kind of non reality where I am the bad guy and they can do no wrong. My husband does not really understand me. Although he is pretty patient with me, it is hard for me to deal with this when I feel he does not think that BPD is "real". Maybe this is a non realistic perception on my part, but I am pretty sure he thinks I should just "pull myself up by my bootstraps"....but it is not that easy. I do not have the energy or motivation sometimes to get up off the floor far enough to reach my "bootstraps"
Anyways, I know some people that read this will be able to identify with a lot if not all of this. I also know a lot of people that read this will have no idea what I am talking about. I am just putting this out there to help me set my mind straight, and maybe help a few people understand why they are the way they are and there is something that can be done about it, it just takes A LOT of work :)
This blog is not a plea for pity. This is simply what is on my mind and why it may be on my mind. I have been studying Borderline Personality Disorder (my currently diagnosis from a professional). I find it fascinating to finally identify with something. I am a text book case, minus the suicidal thoughts and majorly aggressive behavior. I was a cutter, I have had a few addictions, I have depression (mild to moderate) nearly all the time without medication, sometimes I have trouble sleeping, sometimes I over eat for weeks at a time, I am very pessimistic, sometimes I have difficulty controlling my emotions, feeling of never ending disappointment (in myself mostly), I perceive negative emotions from people when none are present, a lot of guilt, loss of interest, poor concentration, poor memory, anxiety in social settings...these are some of the symptoms that I have. I was diagnosed with Dysthymic Depression when I was younger. This basically means long lasting low to moderate depression. But, it didn't seem to encompass all of the issues I was having. Now, I think I finally have an explanation.
To me, this is not a disease. Disease is defined as something that occurs in a previously healthy person. I think I have always been this way, and some may be genetic. But sadly, I do not believe I was ever a "previously healthy person".
It is very difficult for me to have relationships. Most of my friends are no longer my friends (can't really blame them), a few of my family members have written me off (not too sad about that, really) because they also suffer from living in some kind of non reality where I am the bad guy and they can do no wrong. My husband does not really understand me. Although he is pretty patient with me, it is hard for me to deal with this when I feel he does not think that BPD is "real". Maybe this is a non realistic perception on my part, but I am pretty sure he thinks I should just "pull myself up by my bootstraps"....but it is not that easy. I do not have the energy or motivation sometimes to get up off the floor far enough to reach my "bootstraps"
Anyways, I know some people that read this will be able to identify with a lot if not all of this. I also know a lot of people that read this will have no idea what I am talking about. I am just putting this out there to help me set my mind straight, and maybe help a few people understand why they are the way they are and there is something that can be done about it, it just takes A LOT of work :)
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