Realizations

Ever heard "the grass is greener where you water it"? I have.  But have you ever really taken that into consideration?  I rarely have.  I realized that this morning.  A big issue with me is my dying grass.  I put forth so much effort into finding new lush, bright green grass that I fail at keeping any of it alive.  How can you be happy when you are constantly searching? And searching for what? I have been doing nothing but searching lately.  I am trying to disconnect from my life by searching for things I think will finally make me happy.  The truth is, I have all the tools, or lush green grass, right in my own backyard.  I have been so foolish thinking I can find happiness somewhere out there.  I have happiness right here.  I have wasted so much effort going around watering all kinds of grass.  If I would have focused all that effort on the grass I already have, it would be the most beautiful grass ever.
Ok, enough about grass.  But, I realize that my true happiness will come when I finally realize that I have everything I need.  I have a lot more than some or most people.  I no longer need to search for happiness, I just need to accept it.  Why do I feel the need for constant misery?  Is this because growing up, I rarely felt any true happiness? I mostly felt fear, abandonment, anxiety.  I needed to feel these things to feel normal to myself.  But, I have to let go of this.  I need to find a new normal.  And luckily, everything I need to find that, is right here.