So, I have a major problem with distorting the thoughts or intentions of other people. I am severely sensitive to everything that people say. I feel that everything is a personal attack against me. This kind of thinking has put me in a box where I am completely alone, thinking everyone (almost) hates me or at least dislikes me. I have even been trying to talk myself into believing that the way I perceive things may be completely wrong, and usually is. But, I still read something and feel a pang of sadness or anger...like whatever is being said or written is only meant to disrupt my life. It seems like a selfish way of thinking....like anyone has time to go around solely thinking of ways to put me down. But it feels uncontrollable. I do know the opposite is true, but it is like fighting a very strong current, usually, the water wins.
I think that this feeling of inadequacy comes from being abandoned and mistreated a lot of my life. It has made me feel extremely inferior. I have tried to talk myself out of the past, but it is like letting go of a body part...a part that is not necessary but has just been there so long you don't know what to do without it. You don't know how to get rid of it.
Someone once told me that my mind has a "filter". No matter what I am looking at/thinking about, it is perceived by me as negative, and a personal attack. This has proven to be a very difficult way to live. My assignment to try and fix this is to think about my thinking, write it down when I have an emotional thought,figure out why I perceive it that way and what it probably really means. I tried the writing exercise for a few days. It turns out I had to write a lot! But, the point is to think about what I am thinking instead of just automatically thinking what is programmed in to my filter.
I have a long way to go. I pray that I will finally be one of the family to break free from the craziness.
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